Humor Quotes

"I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I've never been.' I said, 'How about the kitchen?'"

"I tell ya, I'm depressed. My psychiatrist told me to do something that takes my mind off my problems. So I took up gambling."

"My wife bought a new car. She told me, 'It cost $10,000.' I said, 'Well, take it back and get a cheaper one!'"

"I go to the barber, and he said, 'Didn't I shave you yesterday?' I said, 'No, I shaved myself yesterday!'"

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing another woman. She asked, 'Who?' I said, 'My mother.'"

"My wife can't cook at all. She makes water burn."

"I'm not getting older, I'm just becoming a classic."

"My wife said, 'What would you do if I said I'm pregnant?' I said, 'I'd check the DNA tests!'"

"I told my wife, 'Can you make love like you did when we first met?' She said, 'Sure, if you leave the room.'"

"My wife asked me, 'Do you believe in life after death?' I said, 'No, but I believe in life before marriage.'"

"I was an ugly child. My parents used to tie a porkchop around my neck so the dog would play with me."

"My wife went to the beauty salon and got a mud pack. For two days she looked great. Then the mud fell off."

"I don't need to go to the gym. I get all my exercise jumping to conclusions."

"My wife said, 'You're never going to believe what I saw today.' I said, 'Let me guess—your feet?'"

"I came home early from work. I surprised my wife. She was surprised to see me too. She was in bed with my best friend."

"My wife is a spitfire. Every time she gets mad, she spits fire. Well, not real fire, but you get the idea."

"My wife said, 'I want a divorce.' I said, 'Okay, but you're paying for it. You wanted it!'"

"I was a beautiful baby. Then I turned three."

"My wife said, 'Let's have another child.' I said, 'For what? So it can be miserable too?'"

"I'm at an age where I need a nap after eating a sandwich."

"I told my wife, 'I'm going to be a comedian.' She said, 'You're already a joke!'"

"My wife said, 'What do you love most about me?' I said, 'Your absence.'"

"I don't have a lucky tie. I have a lucky suit. And when I wear it, people are luckier to get away from me."

"I came home and my wife said, 'You're late!' I said, 'Yeah, and I'm leaving again!'"

"My wife asked me, 'Do you think I'm fat?' I said, 'No, but the way you're eating, you will be!'"

"I asked my wife, 'What do you want for your birthday?' She said, 'A divorce.' I said, 'I wasn't planning to spend that much!'"

"My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."

"My wife said, 'Do you want to hear about my day?' I said, 'Not particularly.' She said, 'Well, you're going to!'"

"I'm not saying my wife is negative, but she's the only person I know who looks at a glass of water and says it's too humid."

"I went to my doctor and told him, 'I feel like I'm dying.' He said, 'You are. We all are. That'll be $200.'"