Humor Quotes

"My wife said, 'You never bring me flowers.' So I did. She said, 'These are dead.' I said, 'So will you be someday!'"

"I went to the bank and asked for a loan. They said, 'What's the collateral?' I said, 'My good name.' They laughed for ten minutes."

"My wife said, 'Do you believe in horoscopes?' I said, 'Only when they say bad things about your sign.'"

"I'm not overweight, I'm just undertall."

"My wife wanted to go to the beach. I said, 'For what? To scare the whales?'"

"I've been married so long, my wife and I wear matching hearing aids."

"My wife said, 'You're a pain in the neck.' I said, 'Well, you're a pain everywhere else.'"

"My wife asked, 'Do you think I'm intelligent?' I said, 'No, but you're very good at pretending.'"

"Comedy is when you slip on a banana peel. Tragedy is when I slip on a banana peel and break my neck."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."

"The world needs more laughter and less judgment."

"Humor is humanity's way of dealing with the unbearable."

"Comedy is about finding the truth in the absurd moments of everyday life"

"The power of a good laugh can heal what words cannot"

"The best comedians are those who can find humor in their own struggles"

"When you laugh at yourself, nobody can use humor against you"

"You know what your problem is? You're ugly. But that's okay, because I'm ugly too, and I've done alright."

"The best comedy comes from honesty. Say what everyone's thinking but afraid to say."

"Age is just a number, but in your case, it's a big number."

"Laughter is the best medicine for the soul."

"The secret to comedy is timing, and the secret to life is knowing when to let things go."

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."

"I try to be cynical, but it all comes out cute."

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

"As for the British overseeing our elections, I think that's good. They invented them."

"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity."

"I am a fetal microchip."

"You know what they call a French horn in Italy?"

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be hit by a truck or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

"That's a good question for you to ask, but a good answer for me to give."