Humor Quotes

"I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, if you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion. He said, okay, you're ugly too."

"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

"No respect, I tell you. I get no respect whatsoever."

"My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies pitched in to fix the screen door."

"Even as a kid I was unpopular. The other kids said I was dumb. I told my father and he said, now don't worry about it son, you're adopted anyway."

"I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word it says."

"I told my wife I wanted to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the people in his car."

"A girl phoned me and said, Come on over, nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home."

"I'm so ugly that my wife can cheat and nobody cares."

"My wife asked me why I was reading the life insurance policy. I told her it was because I wanted to see what I was worth dead or alive."

"Doctors are like lawyers. They're both willing to bury their mistakes."

"I drink so much coffee that my blood type is now espresso."

"I told my wife, if you leave me, I'll follow you. She said, I know."

"The only time my wife and I had simultaneous orgasm was when the judge hit the gavel on our divorce decree."

"I told my wife she was seeing things. She said, I know, I'm looking at you."

"I've got to watch my drinking. The other night I put a lampshade on my head at a party. Then I realized it was a woman's head."

"I asked my wife why she was staring at me. She said she was just wondering how come the garbage disposal ran quieter than you do."

"I told my wife that I needed to take a vacation alone. She said, that's fine, just don't come back."

"I was so ugly as a kid, my parents did everything they could. They put a sack over my head."

"I told my wife she was lucky to have me. She said, who's lucky now?"

"I'm at an age where I want to do everything one more time. Including checking if the door is locked."

"I joined the Boy Scouts. Then I realized they were just using me for camping."

"I went to my therapist and told him I had thoughts of suicide. He said, that'll be two hundred dollars."

"My wife said I need to be more romantic. So I rented a limousine and took her out. Then I told her to get out."

"I told my wife I was leaving her for her younger sister. She said, that won't work, she doesn't like you either."

"My wife asked me if I wanted to go see a marriage counselor. I said, why, it's all your fault."

"I told my wife she needed to lose weight. She said, and I need you to leave."

"I asked my barber why he was charging me fifty bucks for a haircut. He said, that includes the comb."

"My wife said she wanted to be treated like a queen. So I sent her out in exile."