Humor Quotes

"The power of humor is that it brings people together instantly."

"I never wanted to be the smartest person in the room, just the funniest."

"The key to life is to have a sense of humor about yourself."

"I think the most important thing is to keep laughing. If you lose your sense of humor, you've lost everything."

"You have to keep your sense of humor and not take things too seriously."

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

"The secret to staying young is to lie about your age."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"I have always felt that laughter in the face of reality is probably the finest sound there is."

"The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow."

"There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic."

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation."

"I invented a new philosophy—I only drank my water from a 1986 red plastic cup I found in my garage."

"I wanted to be a doctor, but I fainted at the sight of blood. So I became a lawyer instead."

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest."

"There's nothing sadder than getting halfway through a loaf of bread and finding out it's the other white meat."

"The height of the season is when we all go to war on each other."

"I feel that the comedy of the situation is lost when you take it too seriously."

"A smile is a facelift that's in everyone's price range."

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I'm also not blonde."

"I fayed my hair because I wanted to look like a poodle."

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

"I'm saving that roast for a special occasion. I'm using it as a paperweight."

"I don't believe in diets. The only thing that works is gas-powered lipo-suction."

"My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him out."

"I have very poor vision and I have to wear very thick glasses and a muscle in my left eye that twitches."

"When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate."

"I would never want to be a member of a group that stood for something I believed in."

"Fang was such a bad cook, he used to boil water and it would crack."