Humor Quotes

"I told my son, life is not fair. He said, I know, and neither is Monopoly."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

"I just made up a word: Plagiarism."

"My husband's an idiot. His mother is an idiot. Her father was an idiot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"You know what your problem is? You're breathing."

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."

"I don't work dirty, I work clean. It's just that my audience is dirty."

"How'd you get in here? Did someone leave the cage open?"

"What's the matter with you? Did you get dressed in the dark?"

"Your face looks like you've been in a few accidents. I'm thinking maybe you should have insurance."

"I hate to see a grown man cry... unless he steps on a rake."

"I'd call you a fool, but that might be disrespectful to fools everywhere."

"You know, you're not as dumb as you look. You'd have to be."

"The way you dress, you must be colorblind. And broke."

"You've got to laugh at yourself. Otherwise, people will do it for you."

"If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't be anywhere near me."

"You're not bright. But you've got potential. Unfortunately, wasted."

"I've seen prettier people, smarter people, but never both at the same time."

"They say laughter is the best medicine. You just proved it—you need a lot of help."

"You're not my cup of tea. You're not even my cup of pond water."

"I've insulted smarter people before breakfast than you'll meet in a lifetime."

"You're living proof that evolution can go backwards."

"Your outfit looks like it was designed by someone who hates you."

"You're not ugly. You're just... uniquely challenged."

"I'd insult you, but nature already beat me to it."

"You've got one thing going for you—you're persistent. Too bad it's in the wrong direction."

"You make other people look good just by standing next to them."

"You're living a life of quiet desperation. Which part are you—the quiet or the desperate?"