Humor Quotes

"I've seen worse, but I've had to drink to forget it."

"Your brain must be traveling in a different time zone."

"You're the kind of person who improves a room by leaving it."

"I've seen funnier looking people. But then again, I've been up since five in the morning."

"Your life's a mess, but at least it's organized chaos."

"The only thing worse than failing is not trying. And you? You've perfected both."

"You've got potential written all over you. Mostly in dirt."

"I'd tell you to go to hell, but you'd probably get lost on the way."

"Your face could stop a clock. Or start one if you're lucky."

"The best revenge is success. But you wouldn't know about either."

"I've been around a lot of people. You're definitely one of them."

"You're like a broken record, except records eventually stop playing."

"I respect a lot of people. You're definitely on my list. My 'to watch' list."

"Your dreams are bigger than your brain. Which is impressive, given the odds."

"You've got to earn your stripes. You look like you bought yours at a thrift store."

"Your personality's like a black hole. It just pulls everything negative toward it."

"Life teaches you lessons every day. You must be absent a lot."

"You're not the worst person I've met. But you're trying really hard."

"Your life's a tragedy written in the margins of someone else's book."

"You've got to have something to offer the world. What's your something? Caution?"

"The world needs more people like you. Specifically, fewer of you."

"Your brain's working overtime. Overtime being key, since the regular shift ended long ago."

"I've met smarter walls. And they don't talk back."

"The greatest teacher is failure. You must be getting a PhD."

"I tell ya, I get no respect. Even my shadow leaves me at night."

"My doctor told me I have to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror."

"Every time I go to the beach, the tide comes in further than it did the year before. I think it's avoiding me."

"The key to comedy is timing, but the key to life is knowing when to laugh at yourself."

"I think comedy is a way of telling the truth without hurting people."

"Laughter is the best medicine for the soul and spirit."