Humor Quotes

"I told my husband 'You're always pushing me around and getting violent, so I'm leaving you.' 'Good,' he said, 'Get my pipe and slippers.'"

"I've been asked to say a few words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?"

"My mother said I was a very stubborn child. I said, 'I'm not stubborn, I'm just determined.'"

"I've been married so many times I have rice marks on my face."

"I wear a necklace because I want someone to know they failed to hang me."

"I've been called worse than a woman, and that's when I'm dressed as a man."

"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on."

"I want my tombstone to say 'I told you I was sick.'"

"My husband said 'You're driving me crazy.' I said 'That's funny, I'm just trying to get to the grocery store.'"

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"I asked my mother what it's like to have an unsupportive husband. She said, 'I don't know, ask your father.'"

"When did I realize I was no longer young? When I went to the beach and all the young men offered me their seat."

"My hair has turned from mousy brown to mouse grey."

"Tangled hair is better than tangled affairs."

"My mind goes blank and my mouth keeps running."

"One good thing about getting older is you don't have to go to as many funerals anymore."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"I don't do things for the money. I don't do much of anything these days."

"My husband was so unhealthy, the only way he could kill himself was with kindness."

"There's nothing sadder than an old man trying to look like a young man."

"Never throw rice at a wedding. It's like throwing food at starving people."

"My husband always said I was hard to live with. He's been gone for six months and I haven't heard a complaint."

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."

"I don't understand all the fuss over marriage. Seems like a lot of work."

"I have everything a woman could want: nothing."

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

"I tried to commit suicide by eating a whole bottle of blueberries. It was the most delicious suicide ever."

"My doctor says I should stop taking bubble baths because I'm always getting drowned."

"The only difference between men and women is that women can have multiple orgasms... at the bank."

"The best time to do your laundry is when you have absolutely nothing to wear."