Humor Quotes

"I went to a nightclub and asked for a table for one. The waiter said, isn't that just the bar?"

"I'm so old, my birth certificate says expired."

"I asked my accountant if I could deduct my wife as a dependent. He said, why, is she working that hard?"

"I asked my wife if she wanted to dance. She said, that's the last thing you'll ever do to me."

"I tried to tell my wife a secret. She said, I know, and by the way, so does everyone else."

"I bought my wife flowers for our anniversary. She said, now I have to buy you a casket."

"I went to my high school reunion. Nobody remembered me. Apparently I peaked in elementary school."

"My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said."

"I told my wife she had a nice figure. She said, yeah, it's a nine... in circumference."

"I told my wife that I wanted to start fresh. She said, okay, but you're still leaving."

"My wife said I never take her anywhere. So I told her to get in the car."

"I told my wife I didn't love her anymore. She said, well at least that's consistent with everything else."

"I went to the doctor and told him I was feeling dead inside. He said, that explains why you're so cold."

"I told my wife she was driving me crazy. She said, where to?"

"My wife said she was leaving me for someone better. I said, anyone?"

"I told my wife I wanted to die in her arms. She said, stop holding your breath."

"I've been told I have a great personality. Unfortunately it's the only thing I have."

"My wife asked me if I still thought she was beautiful. I said, yes, from a distance."

"I've been married so long that when my wife smiles, I check my wallet."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

"Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around. There's something funny happening on the street corner every minute, if you're looking for it."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

"Never underestimate the power of stupidity when it's channeled correctly."

"The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman."

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same."

"Comedy comes from truth, and that's what I've always tried to do."

"Always remember: if you're going to do something wrong, do it well."

"The biggest laughs often come from the smallest observations."

"Don't take yourself too seriously—life's too short for that."

"If you're not willing to be vulnerable, you can't be funny."