Humor Quotes

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

"I thinkhumor is a very important thing, because people are suffering."

"Stupid is as stupid does, but then again, stupid is also very smart."

"The secret life of groceries is that they're never just groceries."

"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot sauce."

"I worry that the person who thought up Velcro is heavily burdened by the responsibility."

"I said to my therapist, 'Tell me something that will change my life.' He said, 'You're paying too much.'"

"Everything is funny if you look at it the right way."

"What I love most is when someone laughs at something true and painful simultaneously."

"I believe in the power of a good joke to make difficult things bearable."

"Comedy is about finding the truth in the uncomfortable moments of life."

"I never met a straight line I couldn't bend into a punchline."

"Comedy is a way of coping with the pain of being alive."

"Sometimes the funniest things come from the most painful places."

"Old age ain't for sissies - you need your sense of humor just to get through the day."

"I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I told my husband he was drawing his eyebrows too high. He looked surprised."

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never get on the same wavelength."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"A face-lift would be less painful than listening to my mother-in-law."

"My computer is my best friend. It never talks back."

"Age is not a number, it's a sentence."

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away."

"I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for about 40 years."

"I've got all the money I need if I die by Thursday."

"I'm so old, my social security number is a Roman numeral."

"My hair is naturally this color - dishwater blonde."

"I'm not saying I'm old, but dinosaurs moved out of my way."