Humor Quotes

"I told my doctor I wanted to live forever. He said I'd have to stop dying."

"My childhood was so bad, my therapist says I deserve a refund on my life."

"The real tragedy isn't getting old - it's running out of people to complain to about it."

"I'm so old, I remember when 'going all the way' meant taking a train."

"I've never been one for taking things seriously - it causes wrinkles."

"I'm not going to say I was ugly as a child, but my baby pictures could have been used to frighten soldiers."

"I don't think about the future much - I'm too busy laughing at the present."

"I'm at the age where my back is older than my boyfriend."

"I'm not afraid of the dark - I'm afraid of what might be standing next to me in it."

"I'm so old, I remember when they had to invent electricity just to keep up with me."

"I'm not afraid of death - I'm afraid of what comes before it."

"The secret to longevity is stubbornness and refusing to take advice from people younger than you."

"The reason I tell jokes is because they're the only thing people believe."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"Humor is the spice that makes life palatable."

"I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal thoughts. He told me not to worry about it."

"I was so ugly as a kid, my parents put a bag over my head. Not for me—for them."

"My doctor told me I need to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer."

"I was so depressed, I tried to commit suicide by putting a loaded gun in my mouth. My wife said, 'Go ahead, you'll probably miss.'"

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"I went to the beach with my wife. She said, 'You're not getting in the water with that body.' I said, 'What's wrong with it?' She said, 'Everything.'"

"I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, 'Just get me something that makes me look sexy.' So I got her drunk."

"My wife is so religious, she thinks Moses invented the tablet."

"I said to my wife, 'Can I ask you something?' She said, 'You just did, that's two.'"

"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."

"My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after we eat."

"I said to my wife, 'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did.' She said, 'Not screaming like the people in his car.'"