Humor Quotes

"My wife told me I snore. I said, 'I do not.' She said, 'You just argued with me in your sleep.'"

"I told my wife she was aging well. She said, 'Thank you.' I said, 'Your face is like a fine wine—it's giving me a headache.'"

"I said to my wife, 'I've been thinking about us.' She said, 'About time.' I said, 'Yeah, we should break up.'"

"My wife's love language is shopping. She communicates by talking about things we can't afford."

"I told my wife I wanted to be spontaneous. She said, 'Good, pack a bag.' I said, 'Where are we going?' She said, 'Away from you.'"

"My wife asked me what I was thinking about. I said, 'How much I love you.' She said, 'Liar.' I said, 'Okay, I was thinking about the Knicks game.'"

"If you want to look thin, stand next to a fat friend."

"I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn't ask a question."

"Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."

"I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong."

"I'd kill for a noble cause, but I'm lazy."

"The higher you climb the flagpole, the more of your backside you show."

"I have nothing but confidence in your ability to do wrong."

"The secret to staying young is to lie about your age."

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."

"You know what they call a goofy hell-raiser from a good family who doesn't really apply himself?"

"Comedy is a place where the truth lives."

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."

"I think it's important to laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously."

"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

"Comedy is the canary in the coal mine—when we stop laughing at power, we're in trouble."

"The duty of a comedian is to make people think while they're laughing."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

"Comedy is like a battle—timing is everything."

"Laughter is the only response to absurdity that isn't suicide."

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?"

"I prefer my oysters fried; that way I know my oysters died."

"No matter how cynical you become, it is impossible to keep up."

"Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be rude."