Humor Quotes

"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, and honest. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity."

"If I lost my breasts, would I be less of a person? The answer is yes."

"I have no friends but I have acquaintances who haven't murdered me yet."

"There's something about comedy and tragedy—they're really two sides of the same coin."

"What if there were no hypothetical situations?"

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"

"I don't think I'm funny because I think tragedy is funny. I think comedy is about pain."

"A radio comedian can't see his audience, so he has no control over their reactions."

"American humor is the physical humor of a man getting hit in the face with a pie."

"Comedy is a funny way of being serious."

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns."

"I have just enough white in my hair to be distinguished and just enough dark to be worried."

"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow."

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we'd better come up with a name that sounds like work.'"

"They're making a new movie about Marilyn Monroe, but nobody wants to play her because the role requires acting."

"What's on your mind, if you'll allow the overstatement?"

"Where were you last night?"

"You'd be surprised how much fun you can have when you can see out of both eyes."

"Don't worry about the world ending today - it's already tomorrow in Australia."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."

"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never get their hair done in time."

"I went back to my hometown, and it was so small, my high school yearbook had just one picture in it."

"Most people don't realize that as we get older, we don't lose our sense of humor - we just find different things funny."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"My husband said he wanted more space, so I locked him out of the house."

"I was so naive as a girl that I used to think that if you kissed someone, you had to marry them. I kissed a lot as a girl."

"The worst part of being sick is that you actually feel better when you throw up."

"I've been to every county fair in America, and I learned that some people will eat anything if you fry it."

"I told my husband that if he ever had an affair, I wouldn't leave him. I'd just kill him in his sleep."

"Every time my husband comes home, I'm delighted. Sometimes it takes him a few days to arrive."