Humor Quotes

"I've been invited to my wedding - I'm still deciding whether to go."

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"Fang and I went to the bank, and the banker asked me what I did. I said nothing, and it turned out to be more profitable than any job I could have had."

"I'm a very good driver, which is why the insurance company gives me terrible rates because they say I scare other drivers."

"I'm at the age where my back is telling me things my wife's been trying to tell me for years."

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

"My mother was a second-story worker - she was a window cleaner."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards - you start with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."

"Laughter is the only thing that keeps you sane in an insane world."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about - unless you're being talked about by the in-laws."

"I went to the beauty parlor and asked for something to make me look younger. They gave me a dimmer switch."

"The most dangerous place in the world is between a husband and his Sunday newspaper."

"The only thing I have in common with my mother is that we both have terrible taste in men."

"The reason I have a loud laugh is because I find myself amusing."

"I became a comic because it was the only thing I could do well without having to wear a uniform."

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."

"I once heard that laughter is the best medicine, and I've built my whole career on that belief."

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there"

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold a life-time supply right here on me"

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere"

"Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand"

"I spent twenty years in analysis. My psychiatrist charged me a hundred dollars an hour. In the end, he told me I was nuts"

"Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century"

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake"

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age"

"The greatest thing about getting old is that you don't have to get dressed up anymore"

"I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time"

"I would go out with women my own age, but there are no women my own age"

"Sometimes I sit down to breakfast and I think I'm still dreaming"