Humor Quotes

"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast."

"I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Libra and we don't believe in that sort of thing."

"I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that makes my children illegitimate."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"The problem with some people is that they are without a doubt without a doubt."

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."

"When I was a debutante, I didn't know what I was coming out of."

"Women speak two languages: men and silence."

"I wanted to be a doctor once, but I realized all the blood and guts would ruin my nails."

"My cooking is so bad, my family prays before they eat my food."

"A man is only as faithful as his options."

"I tried to give my husband a hint by being subtle, but he's not that smart."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"People who say they sleep like a baby have never had one."

"I asked my husband if he wanted to go out for dinner. He said no, he wanted to go out for food."

"Never trust a man who says he's been in love only once."

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend."

"A woman is only as old as she looks, and a man is only as rich as he claims to be."

"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you're laughing for no reason, you may need medicine."

"The only way to deal with a man who doesn't appreciate you is to not have one."

"A good laugh is a mighty good thing, a rather too scarce a commodity in this world."

"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."

"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it in a funny way."

"I told my husband that if he won any more money at poker, I'd divorce him."

"I'm so smart, I don't understand half of what I say."

"There's nothing wrong with a woman having her own opinion, as long as it agrees with her man's."

"The trouble with being a woman is that you need to look like one, act like one, and think like a man."

"Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor's degree and his wife gets a master's."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I'm also not blonde."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, but I usually eat them all before anyone else gets a chance."