Humor Quotes

"The best things in life are free, which is why I only have two of them."

"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

"My husband and I were happy for twenty years, then we met."

"I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'm sure I had nothing to do with it."

"The problem with quotes on the internet is that some are not true."

"If you can't say something nice, say something witty."

"Humor is the shortest distance between two people."

"A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke—especially when the joke is on you."

"The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow."

"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. You first want to seduce someone, then you want to cause pain, then you want to be funny."

"You can tell a lot about a person by what they laugh at."

"Satire is tragedy plus time."

"There must be something to acupuncture. You never see any sick porcupines."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

"You know what they call a Republican with a brain? A contradiction in terms."

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is an accountant with a spreadsheet."

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

"The whole world is about three drinks behind."

"My dear, I used to think that the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, what is telling me that?"

"I'm no different from anybody else with two faulty hips and broken record players."

"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

"This is the first time I've ever been called 'Jello.'"

"I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said, 'Somewhere I've never been.' I said, 'How about the kitchen?'"

"I'm thirty-nine and holding."

"They keep telling me I should use my fame for something good. If I ever get any, I will."

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-five years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but never divorce."

"Providence was kind to me, but Providence forgot to make me slender."

"The comedy is in the truth, and the truth is in the character."

"I would rather be a coward than brave, because if you're brave and die, what's the point?"