Humor Quotes

"I believe in laughter as medicine for the body and soul."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards; in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade."

"I'm not afraid of anything except maybe a quiet room."

"The woman who doesn't know where her husband is, is probably a widow."

"I wanted to die young at a ripe old age."

"I've learned that laughter is the best currency in this world."

"I've learned that you can't control everything, so you might as well laugh about it."

"You know what they call a hot flash in New York? A power surge."

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it."

"I think laughter might be the only sane response to the world."

"Laughter is the best medicine for everything from heartbreak to disappointment."

"Comedy is about finding the absurdity in everyday life and sharing it."

"The best kind of funny is the kind that comes from a place of truth."

"When I was young, I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since."

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something."

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."

"I'd walk a mile for a Camel, but I'd die for a good cigar."

"You either laugh at life or cry at it, so you might as well laugh."

"I would have married her, but her father was a cop."

"You know you're getting old when your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'I can't do both.'"

"I would recommend to any young person who wants to get into show business to marry a doctor."

"I don't believe in dying. It's bad for my health."

"I feel much better since I gave up hope."

"I smoke ten cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something."

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

"The secret to a long marriage is that we sleep in separate rooms. We take turns sleeping in the car."

"Age is just a number, and mine is unlisted."

"The best thing about getting old is that you can blame everything on your age."

"I believe in getting into hot water. It keeps you clean."

"The only real laughter comes from the heart."