Humor Quotes

"No matter how old you get, if you can laugh, you're young."

"The world is a stage, but it's a very rough play."

"I've stopped predicting the future. It's not what it used to be."

"The difference between comedy and tragedy is just timing and who's getting hurt."

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."

"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people."

"I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day."

"Burns and I started as an honest song-and-dance team, but eventually we became too honest."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would come down my chimney at night."

"Death is the only thing we haven't sponsored yet."

"Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too."

"Never let the truth interfere with a good story."

"Burns would come home and say he'd spent the day doing nothing, and I'd say that's good—you're consistent."

"A man's home is his castle, until he tries to change something in the kitchen."

"I've been called a lot of things—scatterbrained, a dizzy dame, airheaded. Funny thing is, they weren't wrong."

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious."

"The problem with being on television is that people see you without your makeup, and you see yourself without your dignity."

"The secret of success is knowing who to blame for your failures."

"A penny saved is a penny earned, unless you drop it and it rolls into a storm drain."

"A woman is as young as she feels and as old as she looks. Don't believe either of these."

"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."

"People think I'm silly, but silly is just serious with the wrong makeup on."

"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you're insane."

"The funniest thing about life is that it happens when you're busy making other plans."

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"The secret to staying young is to lie about your age."

"Humor is the best way to cope with life's challenges."