Humor Quotes

"The only time I tell the truth is when I'm joking."

"I've been smoking since I was fourteen years old. The funny thing is, I was born when I was just a baby."

"My wife left me because of my obsession with television. At least that's what the note said."

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

"I don't believe in reincarnation. I didn't believe in it in my last life either."

"If you want to really hurt your parents, go into show business."

"I would love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

"If I don't drive around, I never know where I am."

"The secret to good health is good genes. Mine are from the best tailor in town."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Prize, but apparently they frown upon that."

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

"The trouble with reality is that it's not entertaining enough."

"The secret of aging is to surround yourself with people who don't notice."

"I've been called many things, but gentleman is not one of them."

"I'm so old, my birth certificate is in Roman numerals."

"If at first you don't succeed, you're probably like me."

"If you're going to do something wrong, do it right."

"I would never want to be a member of a group that would have someone like me as a member."

"Age is just a number, and in my case it's a very large number."

"The best defense is a good laugh."

"The only constant in my life has been disappointment and laughter."

"I'm not old, I'm vintage."

"The only thing worse than being talked about negatively is being ignored completely."

"I would have done more, but I was too busy laughing at myself."

"The trouble with being humble is that you're not getting enough credit for it."

"I've learned that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you laugh about it."

"If you can't laugh at yourself, you're in for a lot of trouble."

"I would have been more successful if I wasn't so busy being charming."

"Thing's are funny when you're having fun."