Humor Quotes

"My husband says I've got the greatest memory of anyone he's ever known - I can remember things that never happened."

"I once asked a man how many wives he had had. He replied, 'Mine, yours, and the next one I'm planning.'"

"I once told a man he was boring, and he asked me to elaborate."

"I'm not very good at keeping secrets, but I'm excellent at not telling them."

"I once asked God why he made so many stupid people, and he said it was for proportions."

"I once said that marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond, then wish for a club."

"I believe that laughter is the best medicine for most things."

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

"When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better."

"Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie."

"Why should I leave the best for last? I like to enjoy it while I still have my teeth."

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

"Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from."

"When choosing between two evils, I like to try the one I've never experienced before."

"To err is human, but it feels divine."

"I like my men like I like my whiskey - strong, intelligent, and twelve years old."

"I prefer younger men. Their crimes are more recent."

"I think I've been monogamous once or twice."

"Do you have any experience? None whatsoever."

"Brains are an asset, if you hide them."

"I only have time for the essentials - and sex is essential."

"God is love, but get it in writing."

"Save a horse, ride a cowboy."

"Opportunity knocks softly - I had the radio on."

"A hot time in the old town would kill you."

"When I'm in a mood, I believe whatever I want to believe."

"My dear, I don't give a damn."

"I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far."

"Virtue is its own reward, and vice is too."