Humor Quotes

"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high up on the list."

"I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. It's cold, it's fresh, they like things cold and fresh."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"I'm not old, I'm classic."

"Age is a number, but in my case it's a really big number."

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious."

"The real show hasn't begun until someone makes you laugh."

"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little uneven."

"Humor is medicine for the soul."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

"I'd like to have a martini, two olives. But that's just me."

"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?"

"I don't have to talk to you like that. I got lawyers."

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs."

"What happened? Did you make a wisecrack and your throat closed up?"

"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

"The Greeks invented logic but the Cretans invented the meeting."

"A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done."

"It is reported that when you are in the last-named phase of drunkenness, you see snakes. When you are in the last round, you see double."

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"A critic is a person who sees something bad and bad things to say about it."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I've never met a man I didn't like, and I've never met a woman I didn't want to meet again."

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

"Being in your sixties is like being in a very nice restaurant and realizing you're about to run out of wine."

"I learned early that the only way to make money in show business is to be funny."

"I've always believed that a good laugh can cure almost anything."