Humor Quotes

"I would have made a wonderful mother, had my priorities been less kinky."

"I've been in more laps than a napkin."

"I've everything I need in life except men."

"Too much monkey business."

"I like two kinds of men - domestic and imported."

"I was reading the manual for my life, and it said refund."

"The good die young because they see it's no use."

"How long do you think it'll last? Twenty, thirty years?"

"I'm a hard act to follow but an easy woman to find."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that makes my children illegitimate."

"I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in my freezer."

"I'd like to meet your mother."

"I always arrive late to the party, but I make an entrance."

"When I'm bad, I'm better."

"You know what I wish I'd get? An electric nose warmer."

"The wages of sin are death, but after taxes, it's just a tired feeling."

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

"I'm not a smart man, but I know what laugh means."

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

"Don't look now, but I think something just fell off the page."

"There's no future in anything. If there was, it would be in the past."

"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you're bleeding."

"I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong."

"We all have our little faults. Mine is being wicked."

"If I wasn't so dumb, I might have been smart."

"Keep your sense of humor; it's your best friend."

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Libra and we're skeptical."

"If you want to look young and thin, stand next to old fat people."

"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."