Humor Quotes

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet."

"The true source of laughter is suffering."

"I have just enough white in me to make my false teeth look like a piano keyboard."

"I don't have to tell you it goes without saying, but I'm going to tell you anyway."

"Broadway is a street that crosses New York and keeps going until it finds New Jersey."

"Hanging is too good for some men; they should be ticketed to death."

"I have tried many times to like baseball, so that I might join the rest of America, but I find myself unable to do so."

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."

"Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week."

"The secret to a good sermonette is to have a good theological understanding and a bad circulation problem."

"A joke is the shortest distance between two people."

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

"A self-made man? Yes, just like a father loves his son."

"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you're lactose intolerant."

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."

"I'm no different from anybody else. I just happen to be a little more talented."

"A man's home is his castle, unless the queen is visiting."

"I love my wife dearly, which is why I stay away from her as much as possible."

"The trouble with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

"Charity begins at home, and it usually stays there."

"The secret to staying young is to surround yourself with older people."

"I don't care who wins as long as it's me."

"I would have been a much better actor without integrity."

"Television is called a medium because nothing on it is well done."

"I've got so many wrinkles, I have to screw my hat on my head."