Humor Quotes

"I would have married a woman half my age, but it was against the law."

"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die after one hundred."

"I won't say I'm vain, but I do love looking in the mirror, even if what I see isn't very impressive."

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

"I'd rather be looked over than overlooked."

"You know you're old when someone compliments you on your appearance and you wish they'd said it sooner."

"I believe everything I read, and that makes me very interesting at parties."

"I'd ask you how old you are, but I'm afraid you might tell me."

"I don't remember anything anymore. I've reached the age where my back goes out more than I do."

"I've never been married, and I can't recommend it to anyone else either."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. Then it's time for my nap."

"Comedy is like a beautiful woman - if you have to explain her, she ain't funny."

"My home is my castle, but it's starting to look like a bungalow."

"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're working in order to make me look like I'm not exhausted."

"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me."

"The most fun part of being married to me is that I never come home."

"I've got to keep breathing. It'll be the first thing I'll have to do in the morning, I suppose."

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing."

"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine."

"My father told me all businessmen were sons of bitches. But I never believed him till now."

"The secret to staying young is to find a cure for old age."

"Thank God I'm Jewish - I got the genes right."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."

"I haven't slept in years, because of my mattress, but that's not the real reason - it's the coffee table I'm sleeping on."

"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."

"I'm so old, I remember when the Dead Sea was only sick."

"The greatest achievement is to outlive your money."