Humor Quotes

"My wife doesn't want me to die in the house, because she says it will hurt the resale value."

"I can't understand why people are so unhappy. Let me clue you in: it's because they're stupid."

"I was born at a very young age."

"I read about an actress that had to take her dress off. I thought to myself, now that's entertainment."

"I've been asked why I don't write my memoirs. I told them, I can't remember anything."

"I don't know much, but I know the difference between a good joke and a bad one."

"I would rather laugh at life than cry about it."

"My wife says I snore. I say she's lucky to hear me at all."

"I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. Most of the characters I play are pretty good."

"My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened."

"The secret to staying young is to lie about your age."

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight, especially your face."

"Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

"The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she's expecting a baby."

"You know you're old when your back goes out more than you do."

"You can turn painful situations around through laughter."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"If I can't laugh about it, I don't want to do it anyway."

"My husband said he wanted more space, so I locked him out of the house."

"Laughter is the best medicine for the soul."

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and find someone whose life gave them vodka."

"I'm saving that roast for a special occasion, said no one ever about my cooking."

"I try to avoid things that make me fat, like mirrors."

"My mother always said I had a gift for making people laugh, especially when they saw my face."

"I'm not overweight, I'm just undertall."

"I always said that if you could make people laugh, you were never really down and out."

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

"I think there's something really refreshing about laughing, especially in difficult times."

"Comedy is a serious business, and I've never taken it for granted."

"I've had so many husbands, I should be awarded frequent flyer miles."