Humor Quotes

"I can remember when the air was clean and the sex was dirty"

"I'd walk a mile for a camel, but I'd run a mile for a cigarette"

"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love"

"You know you're old when someone compliments you on your life insurance policy"

"I came home the other night and my wife said, 'Where have you been?' I said, 'I've been out getting drunk.' She said, 'That's what I figured.'"

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. I've seen the end of it, and I was not impressed"

"At my age, I don't even buy green bananas"

"I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two even if rounding up a tidy sum"

"The best thing about my age is I don't have to listen to jazz anymore because my hearing aids won't support it"

"Laugh a lot. It's like a tranquilizer with no side effects."

"I'd rather be remembered for laughter than for anything serious."

"I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal thoughts. He said, 'That will be $150.' I said, 'I don't have $150.' He said, 'Come back when you do.'"

"My doctor told me I need to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror."

"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast-fed me. She said she only liked me as a friend."

"I told my doctor, 'Doc, help me. I'm on a roller coaster, and I can't get off.' He said, 'Mister, you're in my office.'"

"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

"I told my wife, 'Get your coat.' She said, 'Why, are you throwing me out?' I said, 'No, I'm going to gas myself in the car.'"

"I'm so ugly, they asked me to join the military. Not to fight—to scare the enemy."

"I went to my doctor. I said, 'Doctor, I can't do my old activities anymore.' He said, 'Don't worry, neither can I.'"

"I tried to join the Boy Scouts. They said, 'You're too much of a boy and not enough of a scout.'"

"My wife told me to take out the trash. I said, 'Sure, where do you want to go?'"

"I went to my barber. He said, 'How do you want your hair cut?' I said, 'In silence.'"

"I'm reading a book on the history of glue. Can't put it down."

"I went to confession. I said, 'Forgive me, Father, I've sinned.' He said, 'I know. I've met your wife.'"

"My psychiatrist said I was crazy. I said, 'I want a second opinion.' He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'"

"I went to a fancy restaurant. The waiter said, 'You look like someone famous.' I said, 'I know. But I'm broke.'"

"My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."

"I went to the doctor. He said, 'You need to relax.' I said, 'I am relaxed.' He said, 'No, that's just your face.'"