Humor Quotes

"My wife wanted to go somewhere tropical. I said, 'Sure.' She said, 'Great!' I said, 'Yeah, the bathroom fan works wonders.'"

"I asked my wife what she's thinking about. She said, 'Nothing.' I said, 'That must feel good.'"

"I went to a mind reader. She told me I didn't have one."

"I told my wife she was beautiful. She said, 'You're just saying that.' I said, 'You're right, it took me a while to come up with something.'"

"I said to my wife, 'I need some space.' She said, 'Good idea, I'll take your stuff.'"

"I tried to tell my wife a joke. She said, 'That's funny, you think I listen.'"

"I asked my wife to dress up like my fantasies. She put on a business suit and told me she spent all my money."

"My wife is so uptight, when she gets a Botox injection, it goes down."

"I said to my wife, 'You look great in that dress.' She said, 'This old thing?' I said, 'Yeah, it's hiding everything.'"

"I went to a dating app. Even my phone rejected me."

"I told my wife I was thinking about buying a boat. She said, 'Great, I'll start packing.' I said, 'You're leaving me?' She said, 'No, I'm making sure you take me with you.'"

"My wife's memory is so bad, she forgot we were married. Best two weeks of my life."

"I said to my wife, 'I've been thinking.' She said, 'That's new.'"

"I went to the movies with my wife. She said, 'Turn off your phone.' I said, 'Why?' She said, 'Because I can't hear the person in front of us.'"

"My wife asked if I was staring at other women. I said, 'No, I was just looking past you.'"

"My wife is so religious, she thinks Jehovah's Witnesses are just people who saw Jehovah."

"My wife told me she's been fake laughing at my jokes. I said, 'What? Since when?' She said, 'Since the beginning.'"

"I told my wife I loved her more than anything. She said, 'Really?' I said, 'No, pizza comes first.'"

"I said to my wife, 'You're driving me crazy.' She said, 'Good, at least I'm taking you somewhere.'"

"My wife told me I never buy her anything. I said, 'I bought you a mirror so you could see what you're getting angry about.'"

"I told my wife I had a long day. She said, 'That's nothing. Try shopping.'"

"I said to my wife, 'You know what your problem is?' She said, 'What?' I said, 'Exactly, me.'"

"My wife told me I'm not mature enough. I said, 'Am too.'"

"I went to my wife and said, 'I want to start fresh.' She said, 'Great idea. Who is she?'"

"My wife wanted to know if I thought she was pretty. I said, 'You were.'"

"I said to my wife, 'I'm leaving you.' She said, 'Where are you going?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting there as fast as I can.'"

"I went to the bank and asked for a loan. They said, 'What's your collateral?' I said, 'My wife's jewelry.' They said, 'That's fake too.'"

"My wife asked me if I'd ever cheat on her. I said, 'Only at cards.'"

"I told my wife I was going out with the guys. She said, 'Have fun.' I said, 'Really?' She said, 'Yeah, it's the only way I'll get peace and quiet.'"

"My wife is so forgetful, she forgot why she was mad at me. I'll take it."