Humor Quotes

"I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

"I once lost fourteen dollars in a brawl. I was standing in front of a slot machine saying prayers. A lady knelt down beside me and said, 'Mind if I pray with you?' I said no, go ahead. She knelt down and started to pray."

"It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."

"I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve."

"My movies are the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave."

"A poll shows that 28% of men would change their names if they could. 72% couldn't remember their old names."

"I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one than one girl at forty-two."

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

"The laziest man I ever knew was so lazy he married a pregnant woman."

"Once in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on food and water for days."

"On Philadelphia: It's the kind of place where you go to the bathroom and it says, 'In case of emergency, push button.' So I pushed it, and a man came in and fixed the leak."

"Thou shalt not steal unless the other fellow isn't watching."

"As a matter of fact I wouldn't marry the best woman in the world."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"There's something about a dame in a police uniform."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"Any man who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad."

"When asked 'How is your wife?' Fields answered, 'Compared to what?'"

"I never drank anything but the finest wines and the most expensive Scotch whisky."

"Smile first thing in the morning, and get it over with."

"On marriage: I was once married to a woman who insisted on reading Shakespeare. The woman was a fanatic."

"I have been looking for a perfect man all my life. So far I haven't found him, but I found something better—a good sense of humor."

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense."

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"I am a friend of fresh air. I open the windows and the neighbors shut theirs."

"I once lost fourteen dollars on a horse. A woman said, 'I should think you'd be ashamed of yourself, betting on horses.' I said, 'The horse was ashamed of itself.'"

"Comedy is a serious business, a weapon of offense and defense both."

"Age before beauty, as the saying goes."