Humor Quotes

"I look like a quarry that Michelangelo got tired of."

"I would like to find a nice woman doctor, but the position appears to be filled."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"Being a comedienne is like being a gladiator—you're always on the spot."

"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on."

"I think many people get into comedy because of a need for acceptance."

"I think the best way to make people laugh is to not try too hard."

"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"

"The basis of comedy is not laughter, but sorrow."

"That's another fine mess you've gotten me into."

"Comedy is tragedy plus time."

"We laugh that we may not cry."

"Laughter is truly the best medicine."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

"A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast."

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I bet he was glad to be rid of it."

"Hello, I must be going."

"She got her looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon."

"No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend."

"How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them."

"The secret word is 'duck'."

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."

"Humor is medicine. Without it, life is just a series of events."

"I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home."

"I've suffered from all of the serious diseases known to mankind, and several I invented myself."

"There ain't no Sanity Clause!"