Humor Quotes

"It ain't funny if nobody gets hurt."

"Comedy is serious stuff, but I never take myself seriously."

"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond."

"Save a horse, ride a cowboy—that's been my philosophy."

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."

"When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better."

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

"The best way to handle a man is with kindness and a baseball bat."

"Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you."

"Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses."

"I've been in more laps than a napkin."

"Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from."

"Flattery is my weakness—please go ahead and lay it on me."

"I've never killed a man that didn't deserve it."

"The only thing I like better than talking about myself is my own reflection."

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."

"I never said I was a good girl—I said I was a fabulous one."

"Men want a lot, women want everything, and I want champagne."

"Pity the poor man who falls in love with a woman like me."

"I'm not funny. What I am is brave."

"I want my ashes scattered in Bloomingdale's, so my daughter will visit me."

"Things are either funny or they're not funny, and you're either a funny person or you're not."

"I think it's important to have a sense of humor about life."

"I would go insane if I didn't maintain a sense of humor about this business."

"I want to get a tattoo that says 'I am not a bank account.'"

"When you stop laughing at yourself, that's when you've gotten old."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh while you work, you think you're dying."

"I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to release them next month as a new game called 'Clue'."

"Thanksgiving is just a day when you realize you can't eat as much as you thought you could."