Humor Quotes

"I'm going to leave you now. I came here for a reason, and I'm still not sure what it was."

"Who are you and what are you doing in my pajamas?"

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

"She's got a fine head on her shoulders, but her body's even better."

"I would not want to be a member of any club that would have someone like me for a member."

"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."

"The Frenchman likes to insult his mistress, the Englishman likes his wife."

"I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long."

"Either the wall is crooked or the floor is - they don't line up."

"I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case."

"Some people claim they don't eat anything after 6 PM, but I never have that problem - I'm awake till midnight."

"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you."

"There is one word that will always be a drama in any house - Taxes."

"I'm told the food here is excellent, but I must say, I have yet to see proof."

"Blessed are the young, for they will inherit the national debt."

"A man, a woman, and a bathtub - that's all you need for an evening."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"I am the law of gravity."

"Get a wife, anyone will do."

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

"I'm not trying to be funny. I just open my mouth and out comes something funny."

"I have given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages."

"Whatever it is I said before, I meant something else."

"There's nothing like real love, except a hot bath."

"I've learned that you can't take yourself too seriously, or you'll miss all the good jokes life has to offer."

"Humor is the bridge between hearts that conflict would otherwise divide."

"That's another fine mess you've gotten me into"

"Laughter is the best medicine"

"Laughter is contagious"

"I have nothing to say, and I am saying it."