Humor Quotes

"I know a fellow who's afraid to come out of the bathroom when there's a woman in the bedroom."

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just a tired feeling."

"I wouldn't say our town was backward, but the last book was written here in 1926."

"I saw a woman with a very large diamond ring. Her husband must have made a very big mistake."

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

"I was born modest, but it wore off."

"If we ever get to heaven, I'm sure we shall find it dull and hard to adjust to."

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."

"You've got to be an optimist to be a comedian."

"I wouldn't hurt a flea, but that's just because I can't aim."

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing."

"I gave my wife a mood ring so I'd know what kind of mood she's in. It just turned black and exploded."

"I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

"Some people have a way of talking that makes you want to put cotton in your ears."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would come into my neighborhood after dark."

"I maintain that if you're willing to register as a Democrat, I'll cook you a meal they'll remember."

"I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day in the morning. I asked them where they were going and they said, 'None of your business.'"

"I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco."

"I wouldn't say I'm getting forgetful, but the other day I completely forgot that I'd already forgotten something."

"I've always been in the wrong place at the right time."

"My wife's cooking is so bad, even the dog eats takeout."

"Paying an income tax is contributing to the government, I suppose, but it's like contributing to the guy who mugs you."

"If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance that you won't, either."

"I read so much about the evils of smoking that I decided to quit reading."

"I have always been fond of the West Indian practice of wearing while working in the heat of the day the blue gingham bungalow apron."

"A fool and his money are soon parted. What I want to know is how they got together in the first place."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. By then it was too late."

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."