Humor Quotes

"A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."

"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad."

"My heart bleeds for you, but I can stop the bleeding."

"Comedy is a serious business, and I take it seriously."

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"I am married to a woman who would chase me around the room with a rolling pin."

"I am Free of all prejudice. I have no bigotry of any kind and I can look anyone straight in the eye and tell them they're full of it."

"Show me a woman who doesn't talk and I'll show you a dead woman."

"I would rather watch a man make a fool of himself than listen to him."

"My dentist is a sadist, but he's a fine one."

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever—unless you have to dust it."

"I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."

"Men are beasts of burden. This is why women marry them."

"Modesty died when the first man was born."

"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."

"Never take a drink before breakfast."

"The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures."

"The more I see of men, the more I prefer dogs."

"Whatever it is, I'm against it."

"I would have made a good Pope."

"I never met a man I didn't like, except for the ones I did."

"The secret of staying young is to always find something new to complain about."

"I have been told that I have a face that could stop a clock—preferably at a gun shop."

"A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"I would rather watch a dog sleep than listen to most people talk."

"I like to keep my finances in the red. It makes me feel alive."

"The world is getting so bad that I am thinking of shooting myself."