Humor Quotes

"I have six locks on my door all allegedly for the same key."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."

"Take two turkeys, one for you and one for me. Who wants a single turkey?"

"She has the figure of a woman and the mind of a man. What a terrible waste!"

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

"Either way I'm getting a wife. Either way I'm getting a wife."

"A man's only as old as the woman he cheats with."

"A man should always be well-dressed. You never know when you'll be dead."

"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are."

"Each morning when I wake up and see the sunrise, I die a little inside."

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

"Whatever it is, I'm against it."

"If you came here looking for sympathy, you'll find it between S and T in the dictionary."

"I must confess I'm at a loss for words. But for only this moment."

"You've got the body of a forty-five year old and the mind of a child."

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

"Kiss me and I'll call you tomorrow."

"She was a girl who understood the vertical filing system."

"I told the doctor I was suicidal. He said, 'That will be $100.'"

"What does a screenplay have in common with a wife? We both have to work on them constantly."

"I married an archaeologist because he was interested in my past."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"Why should I care what other people think? I don't even care what I think."

"I've loved six women in my time, and married three of them."

"I'd like to meet the man who invented the concept of "work." I'd kill him."

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

"Money is not everything. There's also credit cards."

"A man should never wear a turtleneck unless he's trying to hide something."

"When women go wrong, men go right after them."