Humor Quotes

"A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and I'd step over my mother just to get one."

"I am not a hypocrite. I am just inconsistent."

"I have found that the best way to deal with life is to laugh about it."

"The world is full of conflict and contradiction, which is why I drink."

"I have never been in love, but I have always been in debt."

"A woman is the only thing that can make a man think he's happy when he's miserable."

"I believe in the power of positive drinking."

"The man who doesn't drink has a terrible memory—he remembers everything."

"A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion, but doesn't."

"I have nothing to declare except my debts and my thirst."

"Another fine mess you've gotten me into"

"That's funny, that's very funny"

"I'm afraid I'm a very bad boy"

"This is a fine kettle of fish"

"We must learn to laugh at ourselves"

"The world needs more laughter"

"Laughter is contagious and healing"

"Laugh often and laugh well"

"I believe that to make a comedy work, you have to be willing to take it seriously."

"I learned that the best comedy comes from the most honest place."

"Humor is the spice that makes bitter truths palatable."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions."

"My name is Groucho Marx, and that's practically a contradiction of terms."

"I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse."

"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."