Humor Quotes

"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

"I would not say he drinks. I would say he has a more pleasant way of approaching his work."

"I once knew a fellow who liked to sit outdoors and feel the cool breeze. Then he got pneumonia and died."

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined."

"Golf is a game where you chase a little white ball around a field you don't own, in clothes you wouldn't wear if you didn't have to play golf."

"A juggler with one eye? That's a waste of a good eye."

"I was a 21-year-old virgin. I think that's still a record."

"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."

"The town blacksmith fell asleep as the fire died down. That must have been hard for him."

"I would have made a good Pope."

"A widower is a fascinating creature. Especially if he's wealthy."

"I like an occasional drink or two a day."

"Everybody says I should go back to vaudeville. I'm saving that for my old age."

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."

"The same chemicals that make gasoline make people drunk. But you can't drink gasoline."

"My heart belongs to Daddy. Unfortunately, his heart belongs to the bottle."

"I smoke fifteen cigars a day. At my age, I have to hold on to something."

"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."

"Philadelphia's a tough audience. I always lose money there, but I say that's the price of doing business."

"The world needs more laughter. And less sense."

"I would kill for a good martini. Almost literally."

"I never went to medical school, but I've treated myself with considerable success."

"On the whole, I prefer not to spend too much time with horses."

"I like children. Fried."

"I have always kept a brandy bottle for medicinal purposes. Also for fun."

"Some boob invented alcohol. Thank God he did."

"I believe in getting into hot water. It keeps you clean."

"Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad."

"The only thing that scares me is a woman with a smile and a check book."

"I spent half my money on gambling, women, and drink. The other half I wasted."