Humor Quotes

"If there's a hell, I'll see you there."

"My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife went home to her, and as she was leaving, I said, 'I hope you break your neck.' I got two years for that."

"I would become a priest or a rabbi, but I'd have to give up my life of sin."

"I have no hatred for cops. Some of my best friends are fascists."

"I tried to commit suicide because I caught my wife in bed with another man. I guess it never would have happened if I had just stayed in bed myself."

"The FBI asked me if I was going to blow up the White House. I said, 'Not today.'"

"Satire is what closes on Saturday night."

"The sick comic allows the sick mind to express itself through comedy."

"They wanted to make me a saint. I just wanted to make people laugh."

"Comedy is the last frontier in America."

"Laughter is a sign that you're not dead inside."

"If you're already in hell, why not enjoy the fire?"

"The line between comedy and tragedy is just a matter of timing."

"I'm an atheist until I get on a plane. Then I'm the most religious man alive."

"If you're not laughing, you're not thinking."

"Comedy is the universal language of truth."

"The world needs more people who are willing to laugh at themselves."

"I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! I can relax now."

"I'm not addicted to cocaine, I just love the way it smells."

"Comedy is about telling the truth in a funny way."

"I used comedy to survive what society tried to break me with."

"What makes someone funny is their ability to see truth others miss."

"Pain is the raw material of comedy and truth."

"I used humor as a weapon and as medicine simultaneously."

"Reality: what a concept!"

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

"Humor is the best defense against the absurd."

"Humor is tragedy plus time plus perspective."

"I'm not a joke. I'm just funny."

"Comedy is just truth plus timing."