Humor Quotes

"Instead of thinking about spilt milk, I'd rather think about cookies and milk."

"I really tried to enjoy this show, but it was really a terrible waste of time."

"Don't tell me you don't know what recursion is when you can read the definition again."

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said, 'You know what would make this perfect? A gun that shoots fire!'"

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose. That's not the majority of the people."

"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac?"

"I guess my little mind can't quite understand the logic of having a half hour to kill before I kill myself."

"People say New Jersey is the dirtiest state. That's unfair; it's only half the dirtiest state."

"I'm a first amendment absolutist. I believe there should be none."

"Is fuel efficiency really what we need right now? I say what we need is a car that can drive up the side of a cliff."

"I have as much respect for authority as a dog does for a fire hydrant."

"We're so collectively insane that we think we have to separate our garbage into different kinds."

"Some people see the glass as half full. Others see the glass as half empty. I see the glass as too big."

"If you've ever made love to a woman who's had a colostomy bag, you've got no right to complain about anything."

"The whole thing is stupid and it makes no sense."

"Standing in the shower, you would think we would have found something to do by now."

"I don't have a gun, but I do have a stick. That's equally threatening."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"The reason I like to watch golf on television is that I can mute it."

"Don't worry about your age; it's just a number that keeps getting bigger."

"Your sense of humor is your superpower in dark times."

"I'm broke, n***a, I'm broke. I have no money."

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

"Marijuana is good for everything."

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."

"Money is the best cologne."

"You can't make people laugh if they don't want to."

"If you can't laugh at yourself, then don't laugh at anybody else."

"I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce."

"The most exciting thing is not doing it. It's talking about it."