Humor Quotes

"I think the key is to approach things with a sense of humor and optimism."

"The world needs more laughter and less negativity."

"Timing is everything. You can be the funniest person in the world, but if you don't have timing, you're not funny."

"Laughter is the medicine that heals more than pills ever could."

"Sometimes you gotta laugh so you don't cry."

"Humor is a coping mechanism for the pain of existence."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Divorce is expensive. I used to joke it's the most expensive way to discover you hate someone."

"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."

"You'll be thinking about me when you're out making love to your wife."

"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"Why do they call it a building if it's already built?"

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty good for an army, right? 'So what does the Swiss army do?' Uh, they yodel."

"A tip is like a decision you make while being guilted."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

"Somebody just gave me a shower curtain. That's a weird gift. But it's really nice. I'm gonna use it for showering, and then I'm gonna use it as a curtain."

"Who are these people? Where do they come from? They just appear!"

"Why do we need a whole month for black history? What about the other eleven?"

"The parking lot is full of idiots doing stupid things."

"Good luck with that."

"The comeback is always harder than the original offense."

"A junior mint? That's a candy. Junior mints are chocolate candy filled with cool, creamy peppermint filling."

"He took it out. He took out his move!"

"Is anyone really that hungry?"

"The soup has no name, but it's incredible."

"No soup for you!"

"Make your own pizza. That's the future."

"These are real, and they're spectacular."

"What's the deal with that?"