Humor Quotes

"You can't force someone to get your humor"

"Funny is a really good thing to be"

"Laughter is the best medicine"

"The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. 'I'm not crazy, you're crazy.' But everybody wants to hang out with the crazy one."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Have you ever noticed that lesbians don't have the same problems that gay men do? It's because they don't have to go to the bathroom."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said, 'You know what would make this thing better? Flames.'"

"Wouldn't you like to see a chocolate salty balls commercial?"

"The reason I like to watch golf on television is that I can turn it off."

"Some national parks have long names. Some have short names. Death Valley is in the middle somewhere."

"I'm always amused by the silly things people worry about."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me—they're cramming for the final exam."

"Statistically, 100% of people who share their birthday with you will have the same birthday."

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for a steak to cook."

"When you step on the brakes, your life is in your own hands. When you step on the accelerator, your life is in God's hands."

"The beauty of the internet is that you can quote anything and attribute it to anyone."

"The difference between me and my character is that I know I'm being ironic."

"Humor is a way of coping with things that would otherwise be unbearable."

"Why do they call it a building if it's already built?"

"A parking garage is a lot to think about."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

"Life is about finding the humor in the mundane."

"What's the deal with expectations? They're usually wrong."

"The inconveniences of life are what make it interesting."

"Laughter is the best response to life's absurdities."

"You know, I'm a comedian first. Everything else is secondary to that."

"The world needs more laughter and less judgment."

"Comedy is about observing human behavior and reflecting it back in a way that makes people think."

"I think humor is one of the best ways to get through difficult times."

"Life is better when you can laugh at yourself."