Humor Quotes

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

"Familiarity breeds contempt—and children."

"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."

"Cauliflower is cabbage with a college education."

"The chief cause of problems is solutions."

"I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time."

"The secret to a long life is to make mistakes at a slower rate."

"God created war so that Americans would learn geography."

"I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have got so much more of it."

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved."

"I make it a point to never drink water when I can get wine instead."

"I admire the serene assurance of a dog with a bone."

"Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody."

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"Be good and you will be lonesome."

"There is humor in the darkest places, and darkness in the finest jests."

"Humor is the salt that makes life palatable."

"Laughter is the language of the soul."

"Humor is tragedy plus time."

"Humor heals."

"In modern life nothing produces such an effect as a good platitude."

"Humor is a weapon against despair."

"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."

"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow."

"The main difference between a man and a woman is that a woman can talk longer than a man."

"Be good and you will be lonesome."

"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen cackles as if she laid an asteroid."

"Our little American cousins will drink more water than any other nation."

"If a cat could talk, it wouldn't."