Humor Quotes

"Knock on wood, he said, rapping his knuckles against the side of his head."

"Wide load."

"Congratulations. I'm a spastic in time."

"They're right. I'm crazy!"

"You're right. I am crazy. But I'm not cracked."

"The only way to survive is to laugh."

"Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them."

"Good God, I'm a character."

"Bologna comes from Bologna. It's simple geography."

"I'm glad I am bad, for I might be all the worse for being good."

"I ain't a-going to tell all I know—it would take too long"

"Sucks to your ass-mar!"

"It's so nice to have people think you're dead."

"The Widow would get to putting in her oar"

"I'm sure I don't know how to get rid of it."

"I wish wearing flat irons on my head would make me have a genteel air and appear tall."

"I've got the blues."

"There are plenty of currant bushes, and we strawberries are always welcome."

"I am not overweight. I am undertall"

"It's very kind of you to want to save my soul."

"We are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different."

"I judged I would take up wickedness again, which was in my line."

"We laughed and laughed till we couldn't laugh no more."

"I own I am a considerable fool."

"I must have been a flirt to get such a nice compliment."

"The only reason I'm tall is so I can see better at concerts."

"He clears his throat and tells a joke about a merchant"

"I do not wish to be refreshed"

"I think I shall enjoy hating you."

"It would 'a' took him considerable trouble to remember to not do it"