Ron Swanson

"I have no use for government or charity. I have only myself."

"Breakfast food is the best food, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise."

"A person who buys pre-shredded cheese is not a person."

"The less I know about other people's affairs, the better I sleep at night."

"I'm a simple man with simple tastes. I like lumber, darkness, and silence."

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."

"Crying: it's rarely a good enough reason to cancel woodworking."

"I love my country, but I think we should start over."

"When I eat, it is the food that is scared."

"Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are useless."

"Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor."

"I think that all government employees should be prepared to be fired at any moment."

"Hunting and fishing replace a man's need for a psychiatrist."

"I am not interested in caring about people."

"History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes. And when it does, I profit."

"The woodworking community is tight-knit. We see each other at lumberyards."

"I've been known to consume as many as four whiskeys in a sitting."

"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

"Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Signed, Ron Swanson."

"Destroy the part of you that cares."

"I call this turf 'The Land.' I own it, I love it, it's mine."

"Everything is a conspiracy. I once got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it."

"Punch a tree and receive bark scraped knuckles."

"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

"The best way to teach a child something is through corporal punishment."

"I need to be by myself for a while. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm angry."

"Give me all the bacon and eggs you have."

"I've got the strength of a grown man and a little boy."

"Skim milk is water pretending to be milk."

"Never trust a man with a bone-in ribeye who orders it well-done."