Ron Swanson

"I'm afraid of most things, but I would say I'm particularly scared of dolphins."

"Money is the only substance that matters. Well, that and dark stain."

"I respect anyone who eats only what they kill."

"Your son is an idiot. I've known this since he was a baby."

"I'm going to build my own restaurant with blackjack and hookers."

"The only thing I want to do less than argue with you is be seen with you in public."

"Craft is what separates man from the animals. Also, fire."

"I would shoot a duck out of the sky just to hear it hit the water."

"I have a strong aversion to helping people."

"I'm passionate about woodworking and eggs. Actually, I'm passionate about woodworking and bacon."

"Government workers are the worst kind of person imaginable."

"My brother is a beet farmer in upstate New York. He is a simple man."

"I'm going to go home, sit in my chair, and wait for death to come."

"I once worked with a man who had a mole on his face. I never understood why he didn't just remove it."

"Public libraries are the last bastion of free access to information."

"I love the smell of jet fuel in the morning."

"If you want to make an enemy, try to do someone a favor."

"There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger."

"I'm not a romantic man, but I do have a canoe."

"Real woodworking takes time. I don't care if I ever finish."

"I believe that all government is bad and that all politicians are idiots."

"A woodworker is a romantic. A guy who works in tech is a dreamer with terrible interpersonal skills."

"I have a calendar devoted entirely to large-breed dogs that are not friendly."

"I believe that 'hell' is just a word, but 'damnit' hits harder."

"Sweat is a liquid mixture of salt, water, and the tears of unfaithful mistresses."

"Vegetarians and vegans are basically waiting around to die."

"I like the color black because it's the darkest color."

"I have had a perfectly good life without ever setting foot in an airport."

"Treat yo self to a nice steak and a scotch."

"I get angry at the way people treat animals."