Stewie Griffin

"Change is inevitable, so I might as well cause it myself."

"The greatest trick is making people think they're in control."

"Honesty is the worst policy. Deception works much better."

"Real men don't show emotion. They show explosions."

"The secret to happiness is accepting you'll never be truly happy."

"Every moment is an opportunity for mischief."

"Patience is a virtue I practice just before I lose it."

"The sweetest victory is the one nobody sees coming."

"Life's too short to waste on boring people. Like my family."

"Lois doesn't understand my vision. Nobody does. They're all peasants."

"I have a ridiculously long list of people to destroy. Lois is at the top."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"Friendship is just another word for 'person I haven't turned against yet.'"

"My IQ is so high, I can't even find pants that fit my brain."

"Love makes you weak. Hatred makes you strong."

"The best time to plant a bomb is now. The second best is yesterday."

"Freedom is just another word for 'no consequences.'"

"Nature is peaceful until you weaponize it."

"Art and science combined makes beautiful destruction."

"Faith in myself? I have that in spades. Faith in you? Never."

"A leader leads from the front. A dictator hides and controls from the shadows."

"Work is just another word for 'moving one step closer to victory.'"

"My perseverance in evil is unmatched."

"Gratitude is a waste of emotional energy."

"Justice is whatever I decide it is."

"The only kindness I show is to myself."

"Peace is my power play. While others relax, I plot."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy explosives. Which is better."

"Health is temporary. Evil is eternal."

"Adventures are for people without a proper plan."