Tom Haverford

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy bacon-wrapped shrimp, which is basically the same thing."

"I'm an expert in many areas of life."

"Carpe diem. Seize the day."

"I'd rather have a friend who admits their mistakes than pretend they're perfect."

"Technology is the future, and I'm riding that wave."

"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you."

"I believe in being the best version of myself at all times."

"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

"The key to a successful relationship is communication and also liking the same things."

"Art is stupid, unless it's expensive."

"I'm going to be Mayor of Pawnee by 30, Governor by 40, President by 50, and then I'm set for life."

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."

"I have a philosophy: everything is amazing if you're enthusiastic about it."

"Time is the most valuable thing we have."

"You can't fake your way to the top. Well, you can, but it's harder."

"I respect women, and I love beautiful women."

"The secret to happiness is doing what you love every single day."

"If you want something, you have to be willing to work for it."

"I invented the cones of uncertainty."

"Real talk, no paper talk."

"I want to apologize for never apologizing."

"Entertainment is my life and I'm very good at it."

"I'll be honest with you - I'm kind of a big deal."

"Everything is better with a suit on."

"I believe in self-improvement. I've read every self-help book ever written."

"When faced with a crisis, I am a man of action. My actions are impressive and confusing."

"It would be a dream come true to work in a place where you enjoy going to work."

"I have faith that everything will work out perfectly."

"Change is scary, but staying the same is scarier."

"I like to think of myself as a good person."