30 Rock

"Family reunions are proof that natural selection doesn't exist."

"Friendship is 90% pretending to care about what someone is saying."

"Success is standing on a pile of other people's failures."

"Happiness is a warm beer and no one asking you questions."

"Love is temporary insanity that leads to permanent consequences."

"The best part about getting older is knowing you were right all along."

"Solitude is great until you realize how much you hate yourself."

"Relationships are like jobs - you tolerate them until something better comes along."

"Inspiration strikes when you least expect it and disappears just as fast."

"Motivation is temporary, like most friendships."

"War is peace, peace is boring."

"Politics is the art of lying convincingly."

"Literature is life with better plot structure."

"Philosophy is just overthinking things and calling it intelligent."

"History repeats itself because people never learn anything."

"Technology is great until it doesn't work, then it's infuriating."

"Imagination is what separates humans from animals. That and opposing thumbs."

"Adventure is just a word for getting lost with style."

"Health is important until you realize you have to exercise for it."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for a weekend."

"Power corrupts, but it's still better than being powerless."

"Fear is just an opportunity to do something stupid."

"Strength is half genetics and half not crying in public."

"Kindness is great until someone takes advantage of it."

"Patience is a virtue I simply don't have time for."

"Justice is whatever benefits me the most."

"Creativity is just stealing ideas and pretending they're original."

"Gratitude is nice, but cash is better."

"Perseverance is just stubbornness with a better attitude."

"Death is the only thing in life that's guaranteed, besides taxes and disappointment."