Archer

"I've learned that patience is a virtue I definitely don't have."

"Success isn't about being the best; it's about not being the worst."

"Knowledge is power, but cookies are delicious."

"Every day is a chance to be less of a disaster than yesterday."

"Friends are the family you get to choose, unless they're terrible."

"I've made some questionable decisions, but at least I own them."

"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy snacks, which is basically the same thing."

"Life's too short to drink bad wine or work with terrible people."

"I'm not crying, I'm just leaking from my face."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it's still a form of wit."

"You know what? I don't need this job. I could be doing a thousand other things."

"I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned... in a fat way."

"I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed."

"That's a wrap."

"I don't know what's worse, your logic or your fashion sense."

"You should really think about that."

"I'm counting to three, then I'm leaving."

"That's going to hurt."

"I didn't think you had it in you."

"You're welcome, by the way."

"That's a terrible idea and I'm in."

"I've been in worse situations."

"This is either brilliant or incredibly stupid."

"You should probably run."

"I'm not your therapist."

"That's not how I remember it."

"I don't do regrets, I do consequences."

"You're making this too complicated."

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

"That's barely legal."