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"I don't believe in change. Mostly because it's small."

"The key to happiness is surrounding yourself with people who owe you money."

"Wisdom comes with age, and I have plenty of both to spare."

"Marriage is like a business partnership, except you actually have to talk to them."

"Leadership is about knowing when to delegate to someone younger and more athletic."

"I've made a lot of money doing very little, which is the American dream."

"Success is 90% showing up, and 10% reminding people how much better you are than them."

"Age is just a number, but it's usually a really high one for me."

"You can't just buy your way into friendship, but you can certainly try."

"I'm not racist, I'm just better than everyone."

"You should all worship at the altar of my superiority."

"I've never been wrong, just occasionally misunderstood."

"Your existence is a testament to the power of low expectations."

"I am inevitable. Like your failure."

"Whatever doesn't kill you makes me stronger."

"I once considered writing a self-help book. Then I realized it would only confuse you."

"Your collective IQ wouldn't fill a thimble."

"I am the beginning and the end of your educational journey."

"Ignorance is not bliss, it's your natural state."

"You will all remember me as the one who wasted his time on you."

"Teaching is an art form I've perfected to the point of mastery."

"I've transcended human emotion. You're stuck in it."

"Your potential is a tragedy waiting to happen."

"I don't need friends, I need followers."

"Competence is so rare that mediocrity looks good by comparison."

"I am the paradigm you should aspire to become."

"Your dreams are as fragile as your confidence."

"I once taught a masterclass in life. Nobody attended."

"You're all equally disappointing in different ways."

"Pride is the only sin I'm guilty of."