Family Guy

"Comedy is tragedy plus time. I'll use both as weapons."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, but my plan is mightiest of all."

"I've conquered more in my diapers than you will in a lifetime."

"Another day, another elaborate scheme. Such is the burden of genius."

"Happiness is achieved through the suffering of your enemies."

"I didn't choose the villainous life. The villainous life chose me."

"Life is a game, and I'm winning. Obviously."

"Solitude gives me time to plot without interference from idiots."

"Relationships are transactions. Know your leverage."

"Inspiration comes from knowing you're smarter than everyone else."

"Motivation is simple: imagine everyone's failure and work backwards from your success."

"War is poetry written in blood and strategic brilliance."

"Politics is just organized evil. I respect that."

"Literature? Only if it's a biography of my achievements."

"History will remember me as a genius, not a criminal."

"Imagination is my only limit, and I've got plenty of imagination."

"Health is important. Can't dominate the world from a hospital bed."

"Work? I don't work. I command, and others labor."

"Beauty means nothing without power to back it up."

"Kindness is a sign of weakness. Cruelty shows strength."

"Justice is a concept invented by the weak to protect themselves from people like me."

"Creativity is just controlled chaos with a purpose."

"Gratitude is a waste of emotional energy better spent on revenge."

"Perseverance is my greatest quality. I've been plotting since the womb."

"Adventure is fine, but only if it leads to world domination."

"Fear is a tool. I use it. I don't experience it."

"Strength isn't physical. It's the ability to manipulate those around you."

"Freedom is meaningless unless you're free to conquer others."

"Truth is whatever I say it is. Perception is reality, baby."

"Philosophy is just what people use to justify their failures."