Family Guy

"Fear is the mind-killer, and I have no mind."

"Inner strength is important, but visible strength is better."

"Kindness is repaying people with air time."

"Patience rewards those who wait - but I never wait."

"Justice is blind, but the camera never is."

"Creative thinking solves problems - lying does too."

"Be grateful for your gifts - I am grateful for all of mine."

"Never give up, especially on your hair."

"Life after death isn't certain, but reruns are forever."

"Beauty sleep is essential - I get nine hours."

"Comedy is tragedy plus an attractive news anchor."

"Follow your dreams, especially if they lead to television."

"Your work is your identity - so be someone important."

"Leaders lead; I just stand in front of the camera."

"Faith in a higher power is nice, but faith in yourself is better."

"A good song is fine, but a good news jingle is better."

"Scientific method requires patience - I skip that step."

"Art imitates life, and life imitates my news broadcasts."

"Nature provides beauty, but so do cosmetic procedures."

"Inner peace comes from accepting your own perfection."

"Liberty is the right to express yourself on live television."

"The truth is relative, but my opinions are absolute."

"Time is money, and I'm very valuable."

"What you know matters less than who you know - and I know everyone."

"Education teaches you facts; experience teaches you the real news."

"The only constant is my commitment to looking fabulous."

"Bravery is showing your face on television knowing people will judge it."

"Hope is just another word for ratings increase."

"Family dinners are awkward unless you're the one talking the whole time."

"Real friends are hard to find, which is why I have none."